I’m sitting in bed on a normal Sunday night. If it were 3 months ago I’d probably be sitting here with my best friend talking about how hungover we were and that the Sunday ‘booze blues’ had officially sunk in. Unfortunately, for me, all I can think about right now is how the hell has this happened to me.
Hold on, let me just quickly fill you in on what’s going on. Hi, my name’s Bianca. I’m just your normal girl from the Gold Coast, Australia. I can genuinely say I love every aspect of my life after a year of family dramas, the classic ‘trying to figure out what I am doing with my life’ breakdown, a breakup and everything in between. Oh, and did I mention I have Breast Cancer? Yep, you read it right. Breast Cancer. The most common cancer affecting women in Australia. 17,586 women will be diagnosed in 2017 with only 1 of those women being 20 years old or younger. I found a lump earlier in the year, went to my GP who ordered an ultrasound but assured me that it could possibly be some fatty tissue or a cyst, common in women my age. Shortly after my initial GP visit, I was hospitalised with Endometriosis (totally NOT cancer related), and after complications my stay was extended to a total of 6 days. During such time, the lump and ultrasound became second to my current health issues. * This whole time, I wasn’t even thinking about it because I’m only 20?! * Anyway, fast forward 7 or 8 weeks, and the lump had tripled in size and became very painful, even driving was beginning to be a bit of a struggle. I immediately went and had the ultrasound to see what was happening with this lump and the surrounding areas on Friday 7th April 2017. My GP had called me in on Monday to say we needed some extra testing done with a core biopsy led through ultrasound. As you can imagine it was the longest couple of days of my life with my anxiety levels through the roof. I was scared of the unknown. I still am. Wednesday rolled around, where the initial core biopsy was just meant to be of the lump on my right breast. However, careful observation of the sonographer showed that my lymph nodes under my right arm were now inflamed. A cell swab now needed to be done of my lymph nodes then too. And right then and there is when I knew before any test results had come back, that I could possibly have cancer. And just like that, on Thursday the 13th of April I was diagnosed with Grade 3, Stage 2b breast cancer at the young age of 20. I can’t even begin to describe how it felt to be told those words, or how many tears I have shed from then to now. I guess I’ll write about that later on…. This past week, what was meant to be week 8 of chemo has been my hardest to date, and one I had very different plans for before I got sick. It was the week of my 21st birthday, I was so excited to celebrate and party with my friends and family. However, life had other plans for me this year. I spent my birthday ‘week’ in hospital being the sickest I’ve ever felt and watching the sadness in the eyes of my friends and family as they had the same plan that I did for my birthday this year was absolutely devastating. Although I know I can attribute some of the more emotional days to my ever changing hormones, due to the menopause that has been forced upon my 21-year-old body to * hopefully * savour some eggs for my unplanned future, this shit is HARD. However, this week really just got me thinking about why and how life throws us these curveballs, and why some more so than others? How is it that I am sick, and somebody else isn’t? I’m sure we all think that way at some point during our lives. Why did they get the job and I didn’t? Why does she seem happier than me? Why is my life like this and not like somebody else’s? But do you see the repetitiveness of all of the above questions… They all have such a negative meaning associated with them, although they may be true. It really is the way you look at things. Some just can’t be explained, but some you can try to understand. However, what this whole crazy experience I’m going through right now has taught me; is there are some questions we have the answers but it just hurts to much too acknowledge. The other questions we don’t think we can answer, sometimes we actually can if we look deeper. All we have to do is change our attitude towards the situation. Positivity is honestly the key. I know that phrase is thrown around so often that it has kind of lost its meaning, but truly, being positive is what is saving me in these times that I want to curl into a ball, cry and re-emerge when this bad dream is all over. But I can’t. So, I just think of how lucky I am to be in my situation, it really could be worse, and for some, it so heartbreakingly is. So my latest ‘thing’ is to literally take it day by day. Why don’t I try to get at least one thing done today that I wanted to? (Although I may not feel like getting out of bed) if I get one thing under my belt for the day, that’s an achievement. Some days, I get the one thing done and I’m crying whilst doing it and I don’t know the fuck why. Other days, I get the one done and it leads to another thing, before you know it, the tears have dried and my mind is occupied. I then congratulate myself, because I sure know that I didn’t want to/think that I could get little things done, but the positive reinforcement really does help. It changes my thinking completely and although, they’re little ‘wins’, as my brother once told me “it’s still a win”. I’ve learnt that in this life, it’s the little things that count. The power of the mind is so incredibly strong. I acknowledge that there are going to be days where all I do is cry, but what I won’t acknowledge is allowing things to get on top of me when it starts to get too hard. I promise to be excruciatingly honest, writing through the tears on my good and bad days. Hopefully, as I celebrate the wins and the * hopefully * very few setbacks it will all be here. Although this is a release for me, I hope that people can relate to my story or situation in one way or another. Alternatively, watch me on my journey as I kick this cancer shit to the kerb. All my love, B
16 Comments
sophie
6/27/2017 09:23:10 pm
love it girlfriend, writing it out helps so much and being as honest and real to people as you can! opens it all up for people.. your amazing! We are all going through something in life some bigger then others and we can only do the best we can do.. some obviously speak what they are going through and that is so much more powerful then hiding the truth! keep it up my love xx
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Bev
6/27/2017 09:34:39 pm
Hi Bianca, I know Zara Blades, used to be a House Mum at St Hilda s. ..sorry to hear of your situation but your strength is evident, only focus on what you want as your mind is creative when as peaceful as possible ...have a wonderful book I can recommend will be really helpful and healing let me know if you would like me to send through details. Much love Bev....
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Becky
6/27/2017 11:06:18 pm
Hi Bianca, I'm a friend of Tracy's, and met you once at a BBQ. I too was diagnosed with Stage 3, Grade 2B HER2+++ breast cancer, although I had twenty years on you when I joined the club no one wants to join. That was considered young then (possibly the only time being 41 is considered young ;) ) Here I am, 7 years later, healthier, happier, more peaceful, confident and self aware than I ever was in my previous life. Happy to grab a cuppa with you if you ever want to chat. Becky xxx
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6/28/2017 04:02:15 am
Gorgeous Bianca
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Sally
6/28/2017 05:14:01 am
I dont know you but I am gobsmacked at your amazingly honest open beautiful attitude your talent for writing and your wonderful maturity....you are so right about positivity. You have all that it takes to beat this and as you say kick this thing to billio xx
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Monique
6/28/2017 06:24:47 pm
You are amazing 💝
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Jenny
6/29/2017 10:46:03 pm
Hi Bianca, I just came accross this very randomly but I do relate to you in my own way. I'm 32 and in April I went for a scan on my ovaries after just going to the doctor thinking I had a UTI. Turns out I had a large ovarian mass suspicious of cancer. The first gyno told me to get ready for a hysterectomy and chemo. I felt so numb and my world and all my plans came crashing down in an instant, everything striped away with them wanting to take away my everything. I was however so lucky with my onchologist who was a lot more optimistic than the first doctor. He operated found out that the abnormal cells had spread to my left ovary aswell so things changed dramatically with my fertility up in the air. More recommendations of hysterectomy came through. After the biopsy of my right ovary it was found I had borderline cancer cells meaning no chemo I did get in early. In the 2nd surgery I opted to try and save my left ovary and have half of it left, dangling by a thread. I'll possibly have to go into a forced menopause for 6 months to stop any further cell growth. Anyway after saying all this I just want to agree about positivity and that I try to dance each day, be grateful and connect with nature even if it's just 10 minutes outside. It changes your day and there is a clarity that is even more strong than before about what matters in life and the beauty of the world and your loved ones. I'm on the Gold Coast too, if you ever want to contact me feel free. I'll follow your journey, keep going, you can do this! And it's ok to cry let that shit out. Much love to you xxx
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Rebecca
7/2/2017 04:02:28 pm
Hi Bianca. I also came upon this blog randomly but I wanted to let you know that you are an amazingly talented and positive person and you still have your life ahead of you. Once this hiccup is over, you will continue with your life journey and I have no doubt have an amazing impact on the world. I am so glad you have support of a large family and friend network Thinking of you. Bec x
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Sheree
7/2/2017 08:45:34 pm
I'm so sorry to hear your story, sadly its very similar to mine. I was diagnosed with breast cancer a month before my 21st birthday. I was at uni, working etc. Had 6 months of chemo, 3 months of radiotherapy. Now its 17 years later!!!! I'm happy and healthy, married with 3 kids. You can get through this too!!!!! Have you done genetic testing? I had it 3 years ago and turns out I'm brca1 so I had my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed as prevention last year. Please feel free to email me if you like. All the best xo
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Kp
7/10/2017 02:47:11 pm
Would you mind sharing your journey with me? My email is [email protected] and I m going to have my first check but very very apprehensive and I'm my mind lots of questions. Please to hear from you. Thank you
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7/2/2017 10:06:19 pm
Hello Bianca - I wanted to pop by and wish you all the best. I was diagnosed around 18 months ago - grade 3, Triple Negative breast cancer. I've also blogged about the experience and it so helps to let it all out - good and tough times. Just know that you are not alone, pop me an email of you ever want to chat. 18 months on, I feel like a new woman. Never the same of course but in many respects better than before. You're amazing - keep going and keep writing x x
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Peter Illmayer
7/5/2017 04:22:42 pm
Bianca, just write what you feel.. You need to, its crap, its $hit but sadly its real. My wife got a very nasty cancer as her 50th birthday present and as the partner to someone that has cancer, the words just fail me, to say how I feel and moreso how helpless I feel like your dad, it just bends my head thinking about it...I'm going to stick with your blog, you are worth it...
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Kp
7/10/2017 02:47:47 pm
Thank you for blogging n I hope you recover well
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Lorrie
7/11/2017 10:20:40 pm
Hi Bianca
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Kristy
8/19/2017 06:41:12 pm
I am so sorry to hear you are fighting this battle at such a young age. It's not easy and cancer is just cruel to pick us sometimes. I was diagnosed last September at age 32 I'm now finished chemo radiation and had reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy and you know what the worst part of it all was? Losing my hair. I totally understand your thoughts and feelings on this don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't feel sad or bad about something "so trivial" or that you're vain. You aren't. Our image defines us and not looking like yourself (or your 'old' self) is tough to handle or come to terms with. I felt having my image so publicly altered was invasive as I couldn't hide what I was going through if I hadn't lost my hair eyebrows & lashes no one would have known what I was going through as I could hide my chemo sickness & radiation burns etc. It sucks and unfortunately there's no way around it but if knowing you're not alone helps in a small way I'm glad. Good luck on the rest of your treatment and best wishes for your recovery. Sending you love ❤️
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Nat Keane
5/4/2018 10:11:59 pm
Hey i just finished ready your story and its actually quite simular to mine.
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